Un-Planning: Embracing Flexibility
Single parents are often hailed as the masters of planning, juggling numerous responsibilities to keep the household and their lives running smoothly. However, there comes a point when planning can spiral into an obsession with control, and this can backfire, leaving us disappointed and frustrated when things don’t go as expected.
I remember when Sophie was small, she had an invitation to attend her cousin’s party in Langley, and around the same time of day, I had a former work colleague’s party to attend in Stanley Park for his one year old daughter. I calculated the driving distances and I figured that I could drop Sophie off first and only arrive a little late for my event. On the way out to Langley, Sophie became very upset and adamant that she didn’t want to go to the party. I pulled the car over to talk it through and I suggested she come with me to the party in Stanley Park but she refused. She was very upset and wouldn’t make a choice. Bailing on my colleague’s invitation was not an option I would consider. Frustrated and annoyed, I made a decision for my daughter, and dropped her off at her cousin’s party. Looking back, I wished I hadn’t been so concerned with ‘my plans’. If I could do it all over again, I would have gone inside with her to ensure she was comfortable. I knew she was in amazing hands with her aunt but still, I handled it all wrong.
When Planning Becomes a Trap
Meticulous planning can sometimes lead to a rigid expectation of outcomes. We start to tie our happiness and satisfaction to the successful execution of our plans. But life is notorious for its unpredictability - it likes to throw curveballs. When faced with unexpected changes, do your emotions take a downward turn, transforming you from rational to rattled? I wish the story I shared above was a one-time thing but being chained to the plan has got the better of me other times as well.
This pressure often stems from an internal struggle when we believe that every deviation to the plan is a personal failure.
Lessons from Event Management
Reflecting on my past career as a professional event manager, I was used to managing countless details and complexities without flinching. Every event presented challenges, yet I approached them with calm and adaptability. Ironically, when it came to my personal life, even minor unpredictability could ignite an emotional storm within me. It got me wondering how I was able to have flexibility and adaptability in a professional setting but not at home.
Embracing Un-Planning
The key lies in embracing the concept of "un-planning," which is not about abandoning plans but allowing space for flexibility and adaptation. It’s about understanding that while plans provide a framework, they shouldn't dictate our emotions or our self-worth. Here's how to navigate the balance:
Set Intentions, Not Expectations: Start each day with a focus on what you'd like to achieve, but without the strings of rigid expectations. This mindset shift prepares you to handle deviations without disappointment.
Cultivate a Response Strategy: Like an event manager, create a mental toolbox of strategies for handling unexpected changes. This prepares you emotionally to shift gears, without losing balance.
Practice Mindfulness: Regular mindfulness exercises can help you remain present and reduce overthinking, allowing you to respond rather than react to changes.
Celebrate Flexibility: Recognize and celebrate moments when you've successfully adapted to changes. This reinforces the positive aspects of flexibility.
Embracing the art of "un-planning" doesn't mean letting go of control but rather empowering ourselves to find balance amidst the unpredictability of life. As single parents, or anyone juggling multiple roles, this approach can transform challenges into manageable and even positive experiences.
Since working through the tips above, Sophie recognizes the difference in me. Now when curve balls are thrown my way, I respond in a lighthearted way, looking for the humor in the situation, or at the very least, a ‘meh’, ‘we’ll figure it out’ way.
Be easy on yourself. :)
